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    Originally posted by The Dave


    Some positive news from China after the recent earthquake. They are confident that they will have the largest team at the 2012 para-olympics


    -----------


    I'm as bored as a midget in a theme park


    -----------


    An English tourist arrives in Australia, and is going through the usual checks at custom/immigration.

    The customs bloke asks him, "Have you got a criminal record"

    English guy replies, " I didn't know you still need one!"





    Sick.Really sick.
    The early bird catches the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

    Comment


      what do gay horses eat?








      Hay

      Comment


        <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><t><tr><td ="xl" valign="top">Two Cows (Politics Explained)</td></tr></t></table><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><t><tr><td ="xl" valign="top">
        </td><td ="s_r">
        </td></tr><tr><td rowspan="3"></td><td colspan="3"></td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" valign="top">SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and give it to someone else.



        COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk.



        FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.



        NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.



        BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. State takes both of them, kill one and spill the milk in system of sewage.



        CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.



        Alternative: A COWSMIC VIEW OF WORLD ORGANIZATION



        FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.



        PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
        them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all
        the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.



        BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
        and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for
        by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
        government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
        much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.



        FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.



        PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.



        RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.



        DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.



        SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.



        MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.



        PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.



        REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.



        AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you
        vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
        speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".



        BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.



        BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
        you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
        milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
        pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
        accounting for the missing cows.



        ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.



        CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.



        HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
        publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
        brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
        associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
        deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
        transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
        secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all
        seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says
        that the company owns eight cows, wi

        Comment


          <DIV>
          @@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">@@@@/SPAN>
          @@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">@@@@/SPAN>
          @@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">@@@@/SPAN>@@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">


          THE BEST Put Down LINE EVER
          For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!"@@@@/SPAN>
          @@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">@@@@/SPAN>
          @@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">@@@@/SPAN>
          @@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">@@@@/SPAN>
          @@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. @@@@/SPAN><xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com[img]smileys/surprised.gif[/img]ffice[img]smileys/surprised.gif[/img]ffice" /><o[img]smileys/razz.gif[/img]></o[img]smileys/razz.gif[/img]></DIV>
          <DIV>
          @@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you @@@@SPAN =spelle>gotta@@@@/SPAN> love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.@@@@/SPAN>@@@@SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">

          @@@@/SPAN>@@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: red; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">FEMALE INTERVIEWER@@@@SPAN =grame>:@@@@/SPAN>
          So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
          @@@@/SPAN>
          @@@@SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">
          @@@@/SPAN>@@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">GENERAL COSGROVE@@@@SPAN =grame>:@@@@/SPAN>@@@@/SPAN>@@@@SPAN style="COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">
          @@@@/SPAN>@@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: blue; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.@@@@/SPAN><o[img]smileys/razz.gif[/img]></o[img]smileys/razz.gif[/img]></DIV>
          <DIV>
          [B]@@@@SPAN styl
          Failure lies not in falling down, Failure lies in not getting up.


          If voting could really change things it would be illegal.

          Comment




            President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with, "Oh,Oh,Oh,Oh,Oh."
            Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."


            --------------------


            Apparently the producers of Lost have found a new actor to cast in a leading role.

            It's Avram Grant.

            He has plenty of experience to bring to the role: Lost in the League Cup, Lost in the FA Cup, Lost in the Premier League, Lost in the Champions League and now Lost his job.

            Comment


              Whats a wog?
              A wump of wood.

              Comment




                A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case
                of beer and sticks in into the shopping trolly.

                “What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

                “They're on sale, only €10 for 24 cans,’’ he replies.

                “Put them back. We can't afford it,” says the wife, and they carry on
                shopping...

                A few aisles later the woman picks up a €20 jar of face cream and sticks
                it into the trolly.

                “What do you think you're doing?” asks the man.

                “It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” the wife says.

                The man replies... "So does 24 cans of beer and it’s half the bloody
                price.’’


                psychoanalysis is wasted on the Irish; Sigmund Freud

                Comment



                  If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself.

                  Comment


                    Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other?
                    They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was
                    having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus
                    and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers.
                    He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild
                    this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had
                    completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven
                    than before.

                    "Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down
                    and put it back where it belongs!"
                    "Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
                    "I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
                    "Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

                    Failure lies not in falling down, Failure lies in not getting up.


                    If voting could really change things it would be illegal.

                    Comment





                      THE QUESTION: Over a generation ago, in 1923, who was:

                      1. President of the largest steel company?
                      2. President of the largest gas company?
                      3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
                      4. Greatest wheat spaculator?
                      5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
                      6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

                      These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their day. Now, 80 years later, what ultimately became of them?

                      THE ANSWER:

                      1. The president of the largest steel company (Bethlehem Steel), Charles M. Schwab, died a pauper.
                      2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
                      3. The president of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
                      4. The greatest wheat spaculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
                      5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
                      6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

                      However:
                      In the same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

                      What became of him?
                      He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

                      THE MORAL: Screw work. Play golf. You'll live longer and be better off in the end.






                      Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yard. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft."

                      The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft."

                      The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says. "Loft."

                      As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up.

                      He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong, you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft??"

                      The pro says, "Lack of f**king talent."









                      Failure lies not in falling down, Failure lies in not getting up.


                      If voting could really change things it would be illegal.

                      Comment


                        Believe
                        it or not, you can read it.

                        I
                        cdnuolt
                        blveiee
                        that I cluod
                        aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.
                        The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
                        Cmabrigde
                        Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the
                        ltteers in a word are, the olny
                        iprmoatnt tihng is that the
                        first and
                        last ltteer be in
                        the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
                        still raed it
                        wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the
                        huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
                        word as a wlohe.
                        Amzanig
                        huh?

                        Not really a joke, but at last I found a good reason not to have to improve my typing skills.[img]smileys/smile.gif[/img]

                        Comment


                          You haven't seen my other halfs writing....
                          Excellence is hard to keep quite - Sherrie Coale

                          Comment


                            John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.

                            She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.

                            She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

                            Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."

                            A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"

                            "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

                            John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."

                            Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom." <BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">
                            Failure lies not in falling down, Failure lies in not getting up.


                            If voting could really change things it would be illegal.

                            Comment





                              A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.

                              He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

                              The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

                              Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

                              The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
                              Failure lies not in falling down, Failure lies in not getting up.


                              If voting could really change things it would be illegal.

                              Comment




                                Call Centre recorded conversation:


                                [b]There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
                                Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

                                Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
                                Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
                                Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
                                Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
                                Operator: 'Went away?'
                                Caller: 'They disappeared.'
                                Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
                                Caller: 'Nothing.'
                                Operator: 'Nothing??'
                                Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
                                Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
                                Caller: 'How do I tell?'
                                Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
                                Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
                                Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
                                Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
                                Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
                                Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
                                Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
                                Caller: 'I don't know.'
                                Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
                                Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
                                Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
                                Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
                                Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
                                Caller: 'No.'
                                Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
                                Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
                                Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
                                Caller: 'I can't reach.'
                                Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
                                Caller: 'No.'
                                Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
                                Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
                                Operator: &

                                Comment

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