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    #16
    That quantas one always cracks me up - brilliant. [img]smileys/biggrin.gif[/img]
    Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music.

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      #17
      Originally posted by ~Cat~
      Originally posted by The Dave


      Anyone got the Dubai joke, you know the one where the guy from Cork says "do boy"


      Or the list of Qantas complaints


      Please.

      As requested ...

      Merci buckets[img]smileys/thumb-up.gif[/img]

      Comment


        #18
        <DIV dir=ltr align=left>GHETTO SPELLIN'

        Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader.

        This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in
        a
        sentence.

        1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

        2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

        3. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my b***h rectum both.

        4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment
        they
        gonna send me back to the joint.

        5. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.(@@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">PE IN@@@@/SPAN> th@@@@SPAN style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">IS@@@@/SPAN>)

        6. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake."
        He say, "Bulls**t, that watch israel."

        7. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment
        undermine.

        8. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "fortify."


        Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word....


        Today's word is: "OMELETTE". Let us use it in a sentence.

        "I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."<BR clear=all></DIV>
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          #19
          @@@@SPAN =post>Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

          Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

          Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

          Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

          After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

          And that, my friends, is how company policy begins@@@@/SPAN>
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            #20
            @@@@SPAN style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana;">A
            wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

            They
            arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

            His
            wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
            "Oh, no," says
            Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

            When they are seated, a waitress asks
            Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

            His wife is
            becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink
            Budweiser?"

            "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes
            with them."

            A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms
            around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"


            Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
            club.

            Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam
            the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the
            stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of
            it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in
            the book.

            The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a
            real b@@@@SPAN style="color: rgb(0, 51, 0);">*@@@@/SPAN></font>tch
            tonight, Dave."@@@@/SPAN></font>

            Comment


              #21
              One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
              &gt;
              &gt;He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
              &gt;In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
              &gt;turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear.
              &gt;
              &gt;He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in
              &gt;pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance,
              &gt;and after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried
              &gt;and decided to go to the hospital.
              &gt;
              &gt;As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
              &gt;her date.
              &gt;
              &gt;After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
              &gt;could get the peanut out.
              &gt;
              &gt;The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved
              &gt;two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
              &gt;When the father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.
              &gt;
              &gt;The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him
              &gt;into the kitchen for something to eat.
              &gt;
              &gt;Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, "That
              &gt;was wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll
              &gt;be when he grows older?!"
              &gt;
              &gt;The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
              @@@@SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: Arial"><O[img]smileys/razz.gif[/img]</O[img]smileys/razz.gif[/img]@@@@/SPAN>
              http://www.rebelwaves.com

              Comment


                #22
                2 men playing golf and a stranger asks can he join in the round of golf as his partner has cancelled. They agree and enjoy the golfing. One asks the new man what he does and he proclaims that he's a hitman. THe 2 are gobsmacked. He produces a lovely rifle with telescopic sights out of his bag. They are well impressed and one says can he have a look as his house is near by. He holds it up and says" I can see through my bedroom window and heh the wife is naked and....oh my god that's my neighbor!" furious he asks the hitman what his price is. "€1000 a hit!" he asks him will he do 2 right now and he agrees. He requests that he shoot his mouthy wife in the mouth to shut her up and to shoot the dick off his neighbour to teach him a lesson. The hitman takes aim and stands quietly for a couple of minutes. The man says " are you going to do it or not?"
                "yeh, yeh" he replies, "it's just I think I can save you €1000 any second now!"[img]smileys/lol.gif[/img]

                Comment


                  #23
                  <DIV>I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one"</DIV>
                  <DIV> ------------------------------ ------------------. </DIV>
                  <DIV>So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".</DIV>
                  <DIV> --------------------------- ------------------------------ --
                  So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".</DIV>
                  <DIV> --------------------------- ------------------------------ ---------
                  But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.</DIV>
                  <DIV> ---------------& nbsp; --------------------------</DIV>
                  <DIV>I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.</DIV>
                  <DIV> --------------------------- ------------------------------ --------
                  So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to the bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".</DIV>
                  <DIV> --------------------------- -----------------------
                  The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?"</DIV>
                  <DIV>------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------.
                  So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions" </DIV>
                  <DIV> ------------------------------ -------------.</DIV>
                  <DIV>So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".</DIV>
                  <DIV> --------------------------- ------------------------------ ---
                  I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a Competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.</DIV>
                  <DIV> --------------------------- ------------------------------ ----
                  So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you again".</DIV>
                  <DIV> --------------------------- ----------------------- -------
                  So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".</DIV>
                  <DIV> --------------------------- ------------------------------ ---
                  Now did you know all male tennis players are into the black arts , for example Goran, even he's a witch.
                  And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.</DIV>
                  <DIV> --------------------------- ------------------------------ -----
                  So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster"</DIV>
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                  Comment


                    #24
                    i parked in a disabled space yesterday and a traffic warden shouted to me,

                    "oi, what's your disability mate?"

                    i said, "tourettes you c**t, f**k off!!!"

                    Comment


                      #25
                      The three wise men arrived to visit the child
                      lying in the manger. One of the wise men was
                      exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the
                      low doorway as he entered the stable.
                      "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

                      "Write that down, Mary," said Joseph
                      "It's better than Derek."


                      Hope Not Hate

                      Comment


                        #26
                        Very balanced kid. Reckon he wants to invade Poland??
                        How come when Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider he gained superpowers yet when Alexander Litvinyenko ate some sushi laced with polonium he lost his hair and died? Once again it\'s one rule for comic book superheroes and another for KGB turncoats.

                        Comment


                          #27
                          [img]smileys/lol.gif[/img]"I don't need help or support" [img]smileys/lol.gif[/img]

                          Comment


                            #28
                            Originally posted by michael
                            [img]smileys/lol.gif[/img]"I don't need help or support" [img]smileys/lol.gif[/img]
                            ka-razy son of a gun!
                            Hi sham, gimme 2 pints of carling, a bottle of bud, and a vodka and orange for the burd

                            Comment


                              #29
                              A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.


                              On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.


                              The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.


                              "Yes?"


                              "You know."
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                              If you’re fat stay in the ruck - Liam Toland

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                                #30
                                <DIV>A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long, he decided</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>note, not too romantic and not too personal.</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>white fur lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items,</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>with the following letter:</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>Dear Sasha,</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>I chose these because i've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>remove, These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>shiny, in fact she she has'nt needed to wash it since she began wearing them.</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>I wish i was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>will be naturally a little damp from wearing, just think how many times my</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>on Friday night.</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>All my love</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>Ron.</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur</DIV>
                                <DIV></DIV>
                                <DIV>showing.</DIV>
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