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        I just bought a lovely old thesaurus but when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

        I have no words to describe how angry I am.
        Please support Milford Hospice. Click here to donate.

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              The top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2018

              1. “Working at the Job Centre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day” – Adam Rowe

              2. “I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring” – Leo Kearse

              3. “I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed” – Olaf Falafel

              4. “In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me” – Daniel Audritt

              5. “What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?” – Flo and Joan

              6. “I’ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it’s not easy. They keep moving the goalposts” – Darren Walsh

              7. “Trump said he’d build a wall but he hasn’t even picked up a brick. He’s just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project” – Justin Moorhouse

              8= “I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it” – Adele Cliff

              8= “Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?” – Alex Edelman

              10. “I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it’s like this all the time” – Laura Lexx
              "There are a lot of points that we’ve left behind and this is with a young group. That probably tells you what they’re capable of and that they’re a very good side.

              Probably next year or the year after next they will take some stopping"

              Anthony Foley, May 2016. Axel RIP

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                  Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

                  The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

                  The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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                      Terry McAdam of the Tyrone Brigade of the IRA dies and goes up to heaven. He's standing at the gates and St Peter comes out: "Who are you?" asks St Peter. "I'm Terry McAdam of the Tyrone Brigade of the IRA". "Wha!! the ffff!!, get the hell out of here, we don't want murdering terrorists in heaven!!" shouts St Peter. "No, I don't want to come in" say Terry. "This is a bomb warning. You've 10 mins to clear the place out"

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                        He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

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                          I bought the other half a smart car. It won't let her in.
                          Excellence is hard to keep quite - Sherrie Coale

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                            Man is getting dressed after a prostrate examination and the doctor leaves. A nurse comes in and utters the 3 words no man wants to hear


                            "Who was that??"
                            Excellence is hard to keep quite - Sherrie Coale

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                              How to Rate a Hangover
                              Only those who have been there can identify with this.........

                              One Star Hangover (*)
                              No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

                              Two Star Hangover (**)
                              No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM, Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

                              Three Star Hangover (***)
                              Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

                              Four Star Hangover (****)
                              Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

                              Five Star Hangover(*****)
                              You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

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                                A few days ago, my wife was by her father in Germany, and I decided to go out and to eat in a Pizzeria.
                                I have to confess, after a hard day's work, I was really, really hungry.
                                So, as I came in the pizzeria, I saw it was absolutely full. I asked the waiter if I would need to wait a long time before I could get a place, and he answered "Probably, but if you accept it, there is a place at this table, in front of the man who's reading his newspaper."
                                I accepted, and took a sit.
                                No reaction from the man. On the table lied a plate with spaghettis.
                                The waiter was really busy, and seemed to forget I was waiting for the menu.
                                My hunger was growing, you can trust me. And at least, I could not resist, I dared to dive in the plate and eat some lukewarm spaghettis.
                                No reaction from the man, who was still reading his rag.
                                So, waiting impatiently for the waiter who seemed to refuse to come to me, I gained in confidence and I stole some more spaghettis.
                                And again and again, as time passed.
                                Till I found in the botom of the plate a comb, with hairs, and some crawling bugs!
                                You can trust me, my stomach went immediately round and round and I vomited all I had eaten.
                                It's only at this moment that the man stopped to read his newspaper, and staring at me above it with a small rictus, he asked: "Ah, then, did you find the comb too?"...
                                The Scots (originally Irish, but by now Scotch) were at this time inhabiting Ireland, having driven the Irish (Picts) out of Scotland; while the Picts (originally Scots) were now Irish (living in brackets) and vice versa. It is essential to keep these distinctions clearly in mind (and verce visa).

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