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The Jokes thread

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    Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida,
    finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him
    to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
    on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this,
    the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

    They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
    on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, “No!” and walks
    quickly away.

    The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
    something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him.
    She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has
    never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam
    sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit,
    drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she
    screams, “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

    Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all
    her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself
    for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could
    possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made
    her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a

    So she goes over to Hans and says that she’s the best in the house and is
    available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then
    she sits in his lap.

    Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, “Can I pay in Euros?”
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      There were two nuns

      One of them was known as Sister Mathematical

      and the other one was known as Sister Logical

      It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

      Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

      It's logical. He wants to make love tous.

      Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

      The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

      A little while later...

      SM: It's not working.

      Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

      : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

      The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

      So the man decided to follow
      Sister Logical.

      Sister Mathematical
      arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

      Sister Logicalarrives.

      Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

      : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

      : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

      : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

      : And?

      : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

      : Oh, dear! What did you do?

      : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

      : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

      : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

      Oh, no! What happened then?

      : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

      And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

      Say two Hail Marys!


        A lady walks into her doctors one day and shows her doctor a leaf of lettuce sticking out of her knickers.
        The doctor has a quick look and says "that does look bad" to which the lady replies;

        "and that's only the tip of the iceberg".


          Time for an oldie

          A man walks into the doctor's office wearing nothing but cling film and says "Doc, everyone thinks that I'm crazy"
          To which the doctor replies "Well I can clearly see your nuts"

          Roger Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
          RIP Anthony Foley - The greatest of great Munster men.


            a seal walks into a club............
            Karl Spain: "This is better than watching two guys with stutters playing snap!"


              Two men walk into a bar; the third one ducks.


                Becoming a member of a Golf club....

                An elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf, so he
                applies for membership at the local club. After a week he receives a
                message that his application has been rejected. So he goes down to the
                club to inquire why.

                Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
                Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, MacTavish.
                Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.
                Scot: Aye, so do I.
                Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt?
                Scot: Aye, neither do I.
                Secretary: But you are a Jew?
                Scot: Aye, I be that.
                Secretary: So you are circumcised?
                Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
                Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
                comfortable with that.
                Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant
                to march with the Orange-men, and I know that you have to be a
                Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time
                I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club


                  The Harley-Davidson Facts

                  The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
                  Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

                  At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur . 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,
                  you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

                  Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
                  ' I want to hang out with God.'

                  St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

                  God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

                  God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

                  Arthur was a bit embarrassed,
                  'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

                  God said, 'Ah, yes.'

                  'Well,' said Arthur , professional to professional,
                  you have some major design flaws in your invention !

                  1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
                  2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
                  3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
                  4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
                  5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

                  'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

                  God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
                  the computer printed out a slip of paper.

                  'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,'
                  God said to Arthur , 'but according to these numbers,
                  more men are riding my invention than yours'.


                    My neighbour..

                    She's single - and attractive...

                    She lives right across the street.

                    I can see her house from my living room.

                    I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
                    She knocked on my door...I rushed to open it.

                    She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

                    I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

                    Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

                    MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!


                      Reformed Parrot

                      Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
                      mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

                      Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

                      Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer.door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

                      I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

                      "May I ask what the turkey did?"


                        Originally posted by Piquet View Post
                        This must have been thought up on a day like today.

                        Three old dears were walking down the street. The first one's hat gets blown off. She catches it and continues with it in her hand "Windy today isn't it?" she says to her pal.
                        The pal replies " Is it? I thought it was Thursday"
                        The third old dear chipped in " So am I, let's go for a drink"
                        I first saw that one (or a variation of it) in a UCD Rag Mag way back in the mid-1970's (maybe you did too?)

                        First Drunk on bus "Is this Wembley"?

                        Second drunk "No, it's Thursday"

                        First Drunk "So am I - let's have a pint"
                        New infraction avoidance policy: a post may be described as imbecilic, but its author should never be described as an imbecile.


                          Originally posted by Old Dog View Post
                          I first saw that one (or a variation of it) in a UCD Rag Mag way back in the mid-1970's (maybe you did too?)
                          That's entirely possible, I don't remember.

                          By the way do you remember the Rag mag that featured "Supermouse"?


                            A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

                            The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

                            The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realise I was talking to the sheep."


                              A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced
                              altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and
                              shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet
                              him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..."

                              The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
                              approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
                              degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

                              ''You must be an Engineer", said the balloonist.

                              "I am", replied the man, "how did you know?"

                              ''Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
                              probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
                              information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
                              much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk."

                              The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

                              ''I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?''

                              "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
                              going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
                              air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
                              expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
                              in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
                              somehow, it's my ****ing fault."

                              '' You can't fix stupid ''


                                (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

                                (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

                                (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

                                (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

                                (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders whyshe is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

                                (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

                                (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you'rewelcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)

                                (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

                                (9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.
                                Tic-Toc. POC and DOC. Stop the clock.