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    The Jokes thread

    A Blonde was driving and was stopped by a cop, also a blonde, and asked for her Driving Licence. The blonde rummaged for a while in her handbag before asking the cop " What does it look like?" "Its square and it has your photo on it" replied the cop. The blonde found a mirror in her handbag, looked at it and gave it to the cop. The cop lokked at the mirror and said " Off you go, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a cop "

    #2
    [img]smileys/thumb-up.gif[/img]I knew i'd forgotten something.
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    If you’re fat stay in the ruck - Liam Toland

    Comment


      #3


      Originally posted by Piquet
      A Blonde was driving and was stopped by a cop, also a blonde, and asked for her Driving Licence. The blonde rummaged for a while in her handbag before asking the cop " What does it look like?" "Its square and it has your photo on it" replied the cop. The blonde found a mirror in her handbag, looked at it and gave it to the cop. The cop lokked at the mirror and said " Off you go, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a cop "

      Ahhhh Ben Dunne on Today FM this morning... I nearly crashed the car laughing [img]smileys/lol.gif[/img]

      Comment


        #4


        Golfing terms.


        For Driving


        A Debbie Harry - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")


        A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver


        A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver


        A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water


        A Robin Cook - just died on the hill


        A Michael Jackson - great at the beginning but gradually fading


        An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to be a good result


        An Alistair Campbell - too much spin


        A Bin Laden - driven out of bounds and never to be found again


        An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result


        A Rodney King - over-clubbed


        An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it


        A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good


        An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks


        A mistress - I'm up there, but I know that I shouldn't be


        A Sally Gunnell - it's ugly but it's still running


        An IRA shot - hitting a provisional


        Does your husband play? - for when a man hits a short tee shot


        For the Short Game


        A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it


        An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker


        A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole.


        A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems


        A Paris Hilton - a bloody expensive hole


        A Kate Moss - thinned it


        For Putting


        A Dennis Wise - a nasty five footer


        A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read


        A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't


        A Cuban - needs one more revolution


        Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole
        How come when Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider he gained superpowers yet when Alexander Litvinyenko ate some sushi laced with polonium he lost his hair and died? Once again it\'s one rule for comic book superheroes and another for KGB turncoats.

        Comment


          #5

          Originally posted by Don Quayballs

          Golfing terms.</font>


          For Driving</font>


          A Debbie Harry - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")</font>


          A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver</font>


          A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver</font>


          A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water</font>


          A Robin Cook - just died on the hill</font>


          A Michael Jackson - great at the beginning but gradually fading</font>


          An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to be a good result</font>


          An Alistair Campbell - too much spin</font>


          A Bin Laden - driven out of bounds and never to be found again</font>


          An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result</font>


          A Rodney King - over-clubbed</font>


          An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it</font>


          A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good</font>


          An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks</font>


          A mistress - I'm up there, but I know that I shouldn't be</font>


          A Sally Gunnell - it's ugly but it's still running</font>


          An IRA shot - hitting a provisional</font>


          Does your husband play? - for when a man hits a short tee shot</font>


          For the Short Game</font>


          A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it</font>


          An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker</font>


          A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole.</font>


          A ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems</font>


          A Paris Hilton - a bloody expensive hole</font>


          A Kate Moss - thinned it</font>


          For Putting</font>


          A Dennis Wise - a nasty five footer</font>


          A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read</font>


          A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't</font>


          A Cuban - needs one more revolution</font>


          Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole</font>
          @@@@SPAN style="font-family: Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A Sonia O'Sullivan - Doesn't look great but it'll run forever@@@@/SPAN></font>

          Comment


            #6



            Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing atthe coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that herhair smells nice.


            After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.


            The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexuallythreatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"


            The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."


            &gt;
            Hi sham, gimme 2 pints of carling, a bottle of bud, and a vodka and orange for the burd

            Comment


              #7
              Two fellas on their way home from the pub and they come across a dog sitting at the kerbside licking his balls. One says to the other " I'd love if I could do that" the other replied " Well I think you should pet him first!"

              Comment


                #8
                <table ="blue_v2" id="jokeIfrable2" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><t><tr><td>
                </td><td>@@@@SPAN ="jokeTitle_v2">Cow Pat Lip Gloss@@@@/SPAN></td><td></td></tr>

                <tr><td colspan="3"></td></tr>

                <tr><td></td><td>An
                old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local
                sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy
                wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then
                moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a
                big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail,
                stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the
                saloon.



                "Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"



                "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."



                "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.



                "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."</td></tr></t></table>
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                Comment


                  #9
                  Horse shot in Moyross this morning - he is in a stabe condition[img]smileys/lol.gif[/img]
                  We made a balls of it, and that's something we've got to live with: Ronan O'Gara. (losing home HC record v Leicester)

                  Look at soccer. If you get tackled, you pretend you are half dead. If you get punched in the face in rugby, you try to pretend nothing happened. (Paul O'Connell)

                  Comment


                    #10


                    Anyone got the Dubai joke, you know the one where the guy from Cork says "do boy"


                    Or the list of Qantas complaints


                    Please.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, "I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table."


                      The old woman said, "Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds."


                      The old man said, "Well, what do you say..wanna get naked?" So they both stripped.


                      The old woman said, "You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." a


                      The old man replied, "I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."
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                      Comment


                        #12
                        A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
                        <DIV></DIV>
                        <DIV>Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery shefound three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tellanyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."</DIV>
                        <DIV></DIV>
                        <DIV>The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" sheasked.</DIV>
                        <DIV>
                        "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted tothank you for his new ears."
                        </DIV>
                        The early bird catches the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

                        Comment


                          #13


                          A Little Girl asks her Father "Dad, where does poo come from? The Father stunned that his little girl would be asking him such a question thinks before he answers. Finally he answers "Well you know when you eat food your body processes all the good stuff and discards the waste and when you go to the toilet thats where poo comes from". The daughter looks at her father stunned and about to cry but eventually asks "So if thats where poo comes from what about Tiger"

                          Comment


                            #14


                            Belters from the Larry Gogan show


                            (Larry) Q. Something a blind man might use?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; (Contestant) A. A sword
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt;
                            &gt; (L.) Q. A song with the word moon in the title?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. Blue suede moon
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt;
                            &gt; L.) Q. Name the capital of France?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. "F"
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt;
                            &gt; L.) Q. Name a bird with a long neck?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. Naomi Campbell
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt;
                            &gt; L.) Q. Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. A burglar
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt;
                            &gt; L.) Q. What is Hitler's first name?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. Heil
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt;
                            &gt; L.) Q. As happy as...........? (Larry says, "I'll give you a hint,
                            &gt; think of my first name?")
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. A pig in sh * t
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. Name some famous brothers?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. Bonny and Clyde
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. Name a dangerous race?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. The Arabs
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. Something that floats in a bath?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. Water
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt;
                            &gt; L.) Q. An item of clothing worn by the three musketeers?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. A horse
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. Something you wear on the beach?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. A deckchair
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. Name a famous Royal?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.). A. Mail
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. Name something that flies and doesn't have wings?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. A bicycle with wings
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. A method of securing the house?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.). A. Put the kettle on
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. A sign of the zodiac?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. April
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. Something people might be allergic to?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. Skiing
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. Something you do before you go to bed?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. Sleep
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; L.) Q. A kind of ache?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. A fillet of fish
                            &gt;
                            &gt; ************************************************** **
                            &gt; And the clincher ! ! !
                            &gt;
                            &gt; L.) Q. What star do travellers follow?
                            &gt;
                            &gt; C.) A. Joe Dolan.
                            &gt;
                            No signature

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                              #15

                              Originally posted by The Dave

                              Anyone got the Dubai joke, you know the one where the guy from Cork says "do boy"


                              Or the list of Qantas complaints


                              Please.
                              As requested ...

                              </font>
                              Quantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which tells Mechanics
                              about problems with the aircraft. Mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs
                              on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight...



                              Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.



                              Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas pilots (marked with a P)
                              and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M). </font>
                              By the way, Quantas is the
                              only major airline that has never had an accident.



                              P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

                              M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



                              P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

                              M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



                              P: Something loose in cockpit.

                              M: Something tightened in cockpit.



                              P: Dead bugs on windshield.

                              M: Live bugs on back-order.



                              P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

                              M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



                              P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

                              M: Evidence removed.



                              P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

                              M: DME volume set to more believable level.



                              P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

                              M: That's what they're for.



                              P: IFF inoperative.

                              M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



                              P: Suspected crack in windshield.

                              M: Suspect you're right.



                              P: Number 3 engine missing.

                              M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



                              P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

                              M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



                              P: Target radar hums.

                              M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



                              P: Mouse in cockpit.

                              M: Cat installed.



                              And the best one for last...

                              P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something
                              with a hammer.

                              M: Took hammer away from midget</font>
                              Hope Not Hate

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