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The Old Man & the Sea (with apologies to Hemingway)

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    The Old Man & the Sea (with apologies to Hemingway)

    He had retired to the Sheep’s Head peninsula several years ago to live out the rest of his life in this area renowned for its natural beauty and fine walks. It is also known for the kimono wearing politician Ivor Callely and Graham Norton who has a holiday home here with a private beach overlooking Dunmanus Bay.

    It is also renowned for its natural rainfall which he had discovered soon after taking up residence near Kilcrohane. It rained constantly and when it didn’t rain there was an ever present grey cloud overhead. On the odd day that the sun broke through it was wondrous beyond imagination.

    He loved to swim in the sea but had forgotten how bitterly cold the Atlantic was, even at the height of the summer which really wasn’t very high at all. His first swim after moving to the area resulted in the near disappearance of his manhood but he gradually acclimatised to it. He was hardy soul and having lived all his life in the Liberties could rough it with the best.
    He went for long walks by the shore straining at the stiff Atlantic breeze with his faithful dog Bertie by his side. Bertie liked to bark a lot but was really a softie at heart and could shed a tear quite easily especially if he heard the News on the television. It was while out walking Bertie that he came upon some Carrageen Moss. He had heard from the locals that this simple seaweed had great healing qualities. It could also be eaten and a very popular dish in the area was Carrageen Moss pudding which tasted somewhere between old socks and toe jam. Still it was an acquired taste and judging by the locals affinity for it must have had some redeeming feature. He still had to find it however.

    As a long-time sufferer from piles he wondered if this seaweed might be of any benefit.

    He thought back to his last effort in procuring a cure. He had attended a surgeon in a local hospital nearby who had a great reputation with all things pertaining to the large bowel and was known far and wide as a pile specialist. He managed to get an appointment in due course with him. He was told he had the worst case of haemorrhoids this specialist had ever seen- the last time he had seen piles like that were at the local abattoir on a dead Aberdeen Angus bull. The surgeon said he would require a six month’s course of injections to be administered every week per rectum. He explained his rationale thus: “if a little is great and a lot is better then way too much is almost right.” For some reason Mae West came to mind.

    After several months of injections, his piles had reduced dramatically. This was good, he thought but other things were not so good. For one, he had developed breasts that Dolly Parton would be proud of and his complexion which was always a bit on the high side was now livid. In fact, his good friend and confidante P.Geraghty, a man of great vision and a blunt speaker, had told him his face looked like “a ****ing baboon’s arse.” No need to be so blunt Pat, he thought. His appetite increased enormously as well so much so that he could consume 10 packets of Kimberley Mikado and a Christmas cake at a sitting- the sweeter the better. He started to have strange dreams- he dreamt he had become the sex toy of a well-known tight-head. He finally aborted the injections and the surgeon when he dreamt he was about to have a baby and the baby’s face was that of a well-known rugby coach. This unrung the bell for him.

    He decided to have a go off the Carrageen Moss. He tried various concoctions before he eventually stumbled on some success. He found that Carrageen Moss infused with a little poitin and a dash of added cinnamon and kept in the fridge in special moulds designed by himself seemed to offer the best result and this was how the Carrageen Moss suppository was discovered.

    There were a few minor hiccups in discovering the correct formula. The first batch proved so sticky that it gummed the cheeks of his arse together. This was simply resolved by exposing his backside to the new woodburner stove in the living room and humming “chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”

    Another batch probably had too much cinnamon adding a new and messier twist to the “Cinnamon Challenge.”

    Eventually, after trial and error, he chanced upon the perfect formula. Now for the first time in years he is pain free and pile free. He has noticed a small possible side effect: his motions are now quite stringy and he is now passing what looks like spaghetti.

    It just means a little longer on the bowl with the Star for company, the sea crashing on the rocks below and the rain pelting off the skylight…

    Life was never so good.

    #2
    Originally posted by dipstick View Post
    He had retired to the Sheep’s Head peninsula several years ago to live out the rest of his life in this area renowned for its natural beauty and fine walks. It is also known for the kimono wearing politician Ivor Callely and Graham Norton who has a holiday home here with a private beach overlooking Dunmanus Bay.

    It is also renowned for its natural rainfall which he had discovered soon after taking up residence near Kilcrohane. It rained constantly and when it didn’t rain there was an ever present grey cloud overhead. On the odd day that the sun broke through it was wondrous beyond imagination.

    He loved to swim in the sea but had forgotten how bitterly cold the Atlantic was, even at the height of the summer which really wasn’t very high at all. His first swim after moving to the area resulted in the near disappearance of his manhood but he gradually acclimatised to it. He was hardy soul and having lived all his life in the Liberties could rough it with the best.
    He went for long walks by the shore straining at the stiff Atlantic breeze with his faithful dog Bertie by his side. Bertie liked to bark a lot but was really a softie at heart and could shed a tear quite easily especially if he heard the News on the television. It was while out walking Bertie that he came upon some Carrageen Moss. He had heard from the locals that this simple seaweed had great healing qualities. It could also be eaten and a very popular dish in the area was Carrageen Moss pudding which tasted somewhere between old socks and toe jam. Still it was an acquired taste and judging by the locals affinity for it must have had some redeeming feature. He still had to find it however.

    As a long-time sufferer from piles he wondered if this seaweed might be of any benefit.

    He thought back to his last effort in procuring a cure. He had attended a surgeon in a local hospital nearby who had a great reputation with all things pertaining to the large bowel and was known far and wide as a pile specialist. He managed to get an appointment in due course with him. He was told he had the worst case of haemorrhoids this specialist had ever seen- the last time he had seen piles like that were at the local abattoir on a dead Aberdeen Angus bull. The surgeon said he would require a six month’s course of injections to be administered every week per rectum. He explained his rationale thus: “if a little is great and a lot is better then way too much is almost right.” For some reason Mae West came to mind.

    After several months of injections, his piles had reduced dramatically. This was good, he thought but other things were not so good. For one, he had developed breasts that Dolly Parton would be proud of and his complexion which was always a bit on the high side was now livid. In fact, his good friend and confidante P.Geraghty, a man of great vision and a blunt speaker, had told him his face looked like “a ****ing baboon’s arse.” No need to be so blunt Pat, he thought. His appetite increased enormously as well so much so that he could consume 10 packets of Kimberley Mikado and a Christmas cake at a sitting- the sweeter the better. He started to have strange dreams- he dreamt he had become the sex toy of a well-known tight-head. He finally aborted the injections and the surgeon when he dreamt he was about to have a baby and the baby’s face was that of a well-known rugby coach. This unrung the bell for him.

    He decided to have a go off the Carrageen Moss. He tried various concoctions before he eventually stumbled on some success. He found that Carrageen Moss infused with a little poitin and a dash of added cinnamon and kept in the fridge in special moulds designed by himself seemed to offer the best result and this was how the Carrageen Moss suppository was discovered.

    There were a few minor hiccups in discovering the correct formula. The first batch proved so sticky that it gummed the cheeks of his arse together. This was simply resolved by exposing his backside to the new woodburner stove in the living room and humming “chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”

    Another batch probably had too much cinnamon adding a new and messier twist to the “Cinnamon Challenge.”

    Eventually, after trial and error, he chanced upon the perfect formula. Now for the first time in years he is pain free and pile free. He has noticed a small possible side effect: his motions are now quite stringy and he is now passing what looks like spaghetti.

    It just means a little longer on the bowl with the Star for company, the sea crashing on the rocks below and the rain pelting off the skylight…

    Life was never so good.
    Brilliant

    Comment


      #3
      Great to read another post dipstick. You have been missed - next you'll be passing some Christmas cheer around.
      Excellence is hard to keep quite - Sherrie Coale

      Comment


        #4
        Nah, he's far too grumpy an oul' bolleaux for that kind of stuff.

        Comment


          #5
          Before clicking I was expecting tales of prostate woe. Farmer Giles just don't cut the mustard.
          The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

          Comment


            #6
            Cheers lads. Only for a bit of a laugh in dese troubled toimes ahead.

            Comment


              #7
              Cheers dipstick. Fingers crossed that Axel has finally hit on the right Carrageen Moss formula for tomorrow!!
              "Fineen Wycherley was everywhere. When I watched this video back late on Saturday night I half expected to look up from my laptop to find him in my kitchen ' TRK Nov 3rd 2019 following Cardiff v Munster

              Comment

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