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    Top Tips to Help in your every day life

    Having a wealth of life experience this thread to share my vast knowledge with you, and provide tips to help in your every day. I encourage everyone to post a Top Tip, it's just like Viz.

    Harry's Top Tips for today

    WOMEN: pretend that you do not know how to empty a bin at home by stacking it with **** until it's overflowing onto the floor. In this way your husband or partner will be forced to empty it into the bins outside, and also be forced to go down to the shop to buy more bin liners, which you were to lazy to buy when you were down there earlier, so you can save the money to buy chocolate bars instead. In this way you will never have to empty a bin again, and all the while enslaving your partner into the domesticated slave you always wanted him to be.

    PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN

    When your young children ask how many days it is to Christmas, tell them Santa has been killed in a sleigh crash and there will be no Christmas this year. This way you will save money for a weekend away in January in France to watch Munster.
    Frank the Tank is not coming back. OK? That part of me is over, water under the bridge.

    #2
    Originally posted by Harry View Post
    Having a wealth of life experience this thread to share my vast knowledge with you, and provide tips to help in your every day. I encourage everyone to post a Top Tip, it's just like Viz.

    Harry's Top Tips for today

    WOMEN: pretend that you do not know how to empty a bin at home by stacking it with **** until it's overflowing onto the floor. In this way your husband or partner will be forced to empty it into the bins outside, and also be forced to go down to the shop to buy more bin liners, which you were to lazy to buy when you were down there earlier, so you can save the money to buy chocolate bars instead. In this way you will never have to empty a bin again, and all the while enslaving your partner into the domesticated slave you always wanted him to be.

    PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN

    When your young children ask how many days it is to Christmas, tell them Santa has been killed in a sleigh crash and there will be no Christmas this year. This way you will save money for a weekend away in January in France to watch Munster.
    Vizz used have a page of such helpful advice - was that you Harry in a previous role ....?
    "I've got lots of potatos that need peeling and manure that needs shovelling" -M. Burns

    Comment


      #3


      As we know, there's nothing The Simpsons can't teach us.
      The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

      Comment


        #4
        Here is a valuable tip on how to avoid a nagging wife:

        !. Grow the **** up and pull your weight like everyone else.
        Tic-Toc. POC and DOC. Stop the clock.

        Comment


          #5
          Husbands: When your wife or partner says "I told you this already", pretend you know what she told you, "say no problem dear". That way when whatever it "is" comes up, it will be a nice surprise for you both, and romance can blossom again.
          Frank the Tank is not coming back. OK? That part of me is over, water under the bridge.

          Comment


            #6
            From somewhere else on the internet, always a font of excellent advice.

            Wives:
            ...
            Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
            Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
            Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to relax and unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
            Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s faces and hands (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
            Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
            Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
            Your goal: try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
            Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
            Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
            Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or question his integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
            A good wife always knows her place.

            Nulla semper amicus, servivit mihi, in iniuriam mihi neminem quem non persolvi

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by Sulla View Post
              From somewhere else on the internet, always a font of excellent advice.

              Wives:
              ...
              Have dinner ready. ....

              I was expecting a husbands section at the end of that
              "Some people don't know their easy lives... I wouldn't be so ungrateful" - Fiacre Ryan - #AutismAndMe

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by Some Internet site View Post
                "It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes more difficult for them to maintain the same standard of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman. My name is George, let me relate how I handled the situation with my over-sensitive wife Mildred. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Mildred to take on an extra job to generate the extra income that we need.

                Shortly after she started the job I began to notice how she was showing her age. I now get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she always says she needs to rest for half an hour before making dinner. I don't shout at her, I just tell her to take her time and wake me up when dinner is on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub, so eating out again is unacceptable; I'm ready for home cooking when I get in.

                She used to do the dishes when we finished eating, but now she leaves them lying around for several hours. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her every few minutes that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this as she usually washes them before bedtime.

                Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example she complains that she has not enough time in her lunch hour to do all the shopping. I smile, and suggest that she spreads the shopping over 2 or 3 days, and that it wouldn't do her any harm to skip lunch completely once in a while. Tact is one of my strong points.
                Originally posted by Some Internet site View Post

                I know I look like a saint in the way I support Mildred. Showing this much consideration is not easy. Many men will find it difficult - some will find it impossible. However, if you show a little more tact and diplomacy towards your ageing wife as a result of reading this, I will consider writing it was well worthwhile.

                EDITORS NOTE:
                George died last week, he was found with a 24 inch Stanley screwdriver stuck up his arse with only 2 inches protruding. His wife Mildred was arrested, but an all female jury accepted her defence that he had accidentally sat on it.
                "
                ee
                Last edited by Piquet; 2nd-December-2014, 13:20.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Lunch Break Dining
                  Eat soup on your own. This way you don't have to worry about whatever weird slurping noises you make. No-one needs audible slurping stress in their life and a solitary soup will have you relaxed and refreshed, and with a belly full of warmth.
                  I know something that will blow your minds. I can't tell you and I can't tell you why I can't tell you. You'll know soon and then I'll be confirmed right.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    a couple more for the wimmin..

                    Better late than pregnant

                    Never make eye contact when eating a banana

                    When outdoors and caught short, always piss down a slope
                    Nulla semper amicus, servivit mihi, in iniuriam mihi neminem quem non persolvi

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I can see this thread going well!!
                      "Everything good about Ireland can be found in County Cork"....Lonely Planet Guide 2012

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I see a lot of ban hammer activity ahead
                        "There are a lot of points that we’ve left behind and this is with a young group. That probably tells you what they’re capable of and that they’re a very good side.

                        Probably next year or the year after next they will take some stopping"

                        Anthony Foley, May 2016. Axel RIP

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Why do men float?


                          because they're scum!

                          I know something that will blow your minds. I can't tell you and I can't tell you why I can't tell you. You'll know soon and then I'll be confirmed right.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            When she says you never make me a cuppa tae. Purposely fec it up. Make it too strong by leaving tea bag in till its ink and only put a drop of milk in..but the real killer is sugar. Wimmin love sugar so only putva few granules in but swear blind ye put two in.
                            When she gives out just say ffs how ungrateful are you? Im not making you another!

                            It works every time and I can guarantee you won't be asked ever to get off your arse again until father time finally erases all memory of your tea making inability in her female mind. .... expect to be asked a few hours later so
                            So I walked as day was dawning
                            Where small birds sang and leaves were falling
                            Where we once watched the row boats landing
                            By the broad majestic shannon

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Feeling down? Trying to numb the pain of your life? Try a mug of fruit tea with two teaspoons of honey instead of crack.
                              I know something that will blow your minds. I can't tell you and I can't tell you why I can't tell you. You'll know soon and then I'll be confirmed right.

                              Comment

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