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Ben Tune on his depression and suicide attempt

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    Via PM, from someone who would like to remain anonymous. Thank you for sharing!

    "Thanks Buceph and everyone for posting.

    In terms of suffering from depression I would say that I am a sufferer. I sure as hell have had some very low moments where I thought things would never look up for me. I lost everything, and I mean everything, at one stage in my life and the trauma and loneliness of it all nearly killed me. I lost my family, my home, my friends, my work, my job, my self-esteem, my car, you name I lost it. And all of it was lost in the blink of an eye. I used all sorts of things as anaesthetics because I didn't want to be in the moment, I wanted out of the moment. As a result I became an addict. As a result I ended up being 10 feet away from driving into a river and nearly ending it. The only thing that saved me was a garda knocking on the window of the car.

    What I have learned to my cost is that if I don't look after the spiritual side of things first I won't get anywhere. I can try and be mentally well, and physically well, but if the soul is not looked after first the other two won't get better.

    The big issue for me was that while I was suffering I didn't know that I was suffering from. I has no idea that I was sick, had no idea what the problem was, had no idea what the solution was and had nobody to talk to about it. Today I know what the problem is, I know what the solution is but also know that at any given moment my head will tell me one thing and wrap it up very nicely into something very appealing and I could be back to where I started within five minutes. This is what addiction is and it really has a best friend in depression. I have to look after myself but find early recovery very difficult, it's a bit like being stuck in the middle of a bog and seeing the nice field on the other side, sometimes you feel you will never get to the other side but you know it is there if you want it. I had to get up off the pissing pot and take responsibility for myself and my life and as a result I found the help I needed. I had to forgive and forget but I also didn't close the door on the past as that is where the learing is for me. Sometimes I take a step backwards, but my attitude is that if I take two step forwards and one step backwards then at least I am making progress.

    I can either stay very still, go backwards or go forwards with my life. I choose to move forward. I have to change or I will die, that is a certainty, one way or the other, in whatever form it takes.

    What kills me most of all is the absolute certaintly that if if I don't look after myself it effects everyone in my life. The only way I can describe it is it like someone unclicks the "love" button for you, the way you love and feel for someone or something is removed just like that, and you are incapable of showing feeling like you used to, you become numb. Even the greatest things to happen just pass by and you can't enjoy the moment. But living in the moment, not worrying about things that haven't happened yet makes the world of a difference, and being honest and having honesty in my life is huge for me. That's not to say I was a dishonest person before, its more about being honest with me and how I feel, and how I treat other people.

    Today I have everything I once lost back in my life and I am truely grateful, but the biggest issue for me now is acceptance around dealing with a problem for the rest of my life that there is no cure for. What I find hard is I can isolate myself and there are some certain warnings signs in myself I have learned to cope with.

    Nobody gets up some day and says "you know what, today I am going take steps to ruin my life, and ruin everybody and everything I love". Mental illness and addiction are truely frightening in what they can destroy in a very short space of time, and imagine the countless numbers of people out there who don't even know they suffer from it.

    Mental illness is the only illness in the world that will tell you that you don't have it. Think about that for a second.

    Why did I write this? To be brutally honest I hope someone can identify with something I wrote and if it makes a small bit of difference for the better in their life then that's very good."
    The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man - George Bernard Shaw


      Buceph and I have shared PM over the past months on this subject, have to say he has always been very supportive, Been through these issues myself for a few years now and continue to live with it each and every day, medication works , but I am a stubborn bollix so at times decide, stuff this medication lark and it hurts like hell afterwards..

      Many of you know me and have socialised with me , some know of my situation , others don't. I still try to be the same Jokey person as always, to the outside I am positive and the inside, I regularly beat myself up.

      I recently remarked to a friend in a phonecall- when asked If I was heading out that evening- I simply said- ah , I'm in two minds about it- instantly I pissed myself laughing,having copped what I said.

      As the Rangers fans once sang- there's only 2 Andy Gorams....... Well, there's 2 of me and guess what, I think both are brilliant because they make me the Man I am, sometimes an Ass, sometimes a happy go lucky guy. but that's me.


        Thread of the year. Brave words Buceph and fair play to you.

        The amount of young people that have taken their lives is increasing to epidemic numbers. No jobs, drinking all day and no routine is a terrible mix. There's help out there for everyone you just need to talk to someone. Loads of ways to do this anonymously if you chose;


          Via PM, from someone who would like to remain anonymous. Thanks again to you all for sharing your experiences with us.

          I have taken the liberty of just adding paragraphs to make it easier to read, which the original poster doesn't mind:

          "Hi SRG, (unfortunately my laptop "enter" function doesn't appear to work on this site so apologies for the lack of paragraphs!!).

          I going to take you up on your offer of the chance of anonymity on this thread for the simple reason that there is one poster here who I know very well, other than that I would have no issue with contributing directly to the thread. All my life I have had bouts of what I thought was moodiness (everybody else continues to think that way) but in the recent past I have learned that it is in fact my head going to very dark places. This moodiness turned serious when I was just 21 due to my closest friend taking his own life utterly out of the blue. It was an experience that has changed my life forever and now almost 14 years on is still having an affect on me.

          Over the last 2/3 years I was managing to keep these moods at bay relatively easy but recently they have returned with a bloody bang and it has shocked me with the power of them. On the outside I have absolutely no reason for this, I have a very strong little business going for myself, I'm married to a beautiful woman with 3 children to die for but as I have found out it is not all about what you have in your life. I don't know if I'm predisposed or the tragic death of my friend brought all this screaming to the fore but I do know that it is bloody hard to deal with.

          I suppose I'm lucky in that these dark episodes last for only a few days at a time and if it happens during the week can be covered up quite easily as due to my work I don't spend too much time in any one place during the week so my interaction with people is very short. However, as has happened the last few times, if it is at the weekends it is just a nightmare and I'm a nightmare to be around. I have noticed my wife asking a few probing questions recently and I think she is starting to figure out that there is more to it than me being in foul humour. I know this sounds ridiculous but I really don't want her to be burdened with worry for me. She does worry about my lack of emotion at times but as I tell her I've loads of feelings - tired, hungry and horny!! Even just writing this makes me think that I have no justifiable reason for being this way but I really don't think it is up to me, I don't want to feel like this when I do.

          But like I said this passes within a few days each time, so many people carry this every day. I'm not a danger to myself, I might have been 13/14 years ago but not anymore, but I am hard to live with at times and I do annoy myself even at times! Thanks for this thread and the chance to verbalise (in type anyway!) what I have never spoken to another soul about.
          The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man - George Bernard Shaw


            I would also like to say that if anyone wants to respond anonymously to any of the posters here please feel free to PM the mod that put up the original post and we will be happy to pass on your response to the poster anonymously also.

            It's really great that this thread is helping people to take that one step that can change their lives for the better. It's a fantastic community that we have here, and I, for one, really appreciate it.
            The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man - George Bernard Shaw


              Excellent read:

              Column: I thought I was just trying to beat depression in a one-off fight

              Cavan GAA player Alan O’Mara shares his personal experience of living with depression.

              Alan O'Mara

              Alan O’Mara is a successful GAA player. He was the Cavan goalkeeper during the 2011 U21 campaign – the team won the Ulster Championship and reached the All-Ireland final – and is currently on the county’s senior football panel. Yesterday, he published an article on the GAA’s website entitled Living with Depression: A Footballer’s Story. It is reproduced here, in full, with his kind permission. The 22-year-old says he penned his personal story to encourage others going through a similar nightmare to reach out and ask for support.

              I AM AN Ulster champion. I am an Ulster champion, I tell myself again. I know I should be confident.

              Frank the Tank is not coming back. OK? That part of me is over, water under the bridge.


                Fair play to Buceph & the others for sharing their stories.
                I've seen some folks reactions to those who suffer from depression .. unfortunately within my extended family I've seen siblings be dismissive of another's battle with depression. the eldest in the family having all her younger siblings thinking she's putting it on to get attention, now her next younger sibling has just had a battle with post-natal depression & you'd think that might wake the rest of them up but no, they still have the same attitude about their eldest sibling because she made the mistake of having her baby back in the mid-90's & having her first battles with depression back then too.
                I'm relieved she had my parents to support her emotionally as her own immediate family certainly didn't, it eventually took a move to the other side of the world & a diagnosis of being coeliac to finally get her to a point where her depression is now properly managed with both medication & diet being involved.

                I would sincerely hope the general attitude toward mental health is improving in this country & fewer people have to deal with dismissive & distainful families in addition to their illness.
                Plato: \"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.\"


                  One of my parents struggled for years with depression. Made it hard as kids to be around them - we all knew something was wrong before they themselves did; but nobody could or would put a name on it. Eventually, after about five rough years, the right balance of meds was struck and a relatively steady phase was entered into. Every now and again the meds would need tweaking, but for 20+ years now, life has been decent.

                  Work stress was a major trigger for this parent. So much so that eventually the option of early retirement was suggested - by them - agreed to and availed of. They had been a high-performer & achiever in an industry sector which was going through major upheaval at the time and were hugely well thought of professionally and liked within the organisation also. Their employer was fantastic about doing what was necessary to retain a valued employee in a less demanding yet still challenging role; where they could continue to be a 'net contributor' to the enterprise; rather than callously discarding them. And contribute they did for a good ten years before opting for retirement.

                  That support, of colleagues and or the organisation they worked for, was absolutely fundamental to them retaining their sense of self-worth and of value. Whether we like it or not, so much of our sense is tied up in what we do. It's something we need to move beyond, but it's not easy.

                  I look around now, twenty years on and unfortunately I see few private sector employers who would be willing to go that extra mile for one of their own. It had become unusual enough back in those days, let alone the modern era. There is no more 'one of our own'.

                  If any out there are in a position as employers of having a staff member who suffers from depression or mental illness, please if possible adapt and work around the issue. I am not saying make allowances; that's passive and helps neither side. Make changes which can still suit both parties. Tough ask in these tough times, but these are tougher times for some.

                  I cannot stress (no pun intended) how valuable this patience, understanding and willingness to be flexible can be for the sufferer.

                  And you know what? What goes round comes round, I've found.


                    I have a person on my team at work suffering with depression. He has been open with the others, telling them in detail what is going on etc. Personally I wouldn't have told everyone but it was his choice and I respect that.
                    I'm trying to help him in any way I can, mostly that is just listening. (I also try to take certain known stressors away where possible - e.g I'll do the monthly report to corporate rather than him having to do it). He's doing well thankfully, and seems to be really responding to the tweaked meds now and says he is relieved he has spoken to people about it.

                    We have an Employee Assistance Program at work - totally confidential advice and counselling service - which he says he finds very good. Our company pays for the service but isn't told who is availing of it, just the numbers of people etc. Others are using it for financial advice, marital advice, etc and it's open to all families of employees so spouses and children can call/meet them too. We are encouraged to tell our families about the service and leave contact details at home etc. It seems to work well
                    Last edited by Waterfordlad; 30th-May-2013, 12:11. Reason: typos
                    "There are a lot of points that we’ve left behind and this is with a young group. That probably tells you what they’re capable of and that they’re a very good side.

                    Probably next year or the year after next they will take some stopping"

                    Anthony Foley, May 2016. Axel RIP


                      Might be of interest.

                      A NEW IPHONE app which provides contact details and information on local mental health services has been launched by South Dublin County Council.
                      MindMindR was developed in conjunction with the HSE and youth group Comhairle na nÓg and gives details of support services across a wide range of areas including depression, addiction, crisis pregnancy and suicide prevention.
                      Emergency contact details for national services are also listed and services are mapped to enable the user to find the services themselves.

                      Please support Milford Hospice. Click here to donate.


                        I've just heard that the father of one of my daughter's friends took his life this morning, this is something no 15 year old should have to go through.
                        "Everything good about Ireland can be found in County Cork"....Lonely Planet Guide 2012


                          Originally posted by Grandpasimpson View Post
                          I've just heard that the father of one of my daughter's friends took his life this morning, this is something no 15 year old should have to go through.
                          That is horrendous.

                          It is about this time two years ago that a friend's wife took his own life.

                          No money issues, no history of depression, no known major trauma in his life.

                          He did it two weeks after he gave her away on their wedding day.

                          They are still picking up the pieces, and I suspect always will be.
                          Please support Milford Hospice. Click here to donate.


                            Originally posted by Grandpasimpson View Post
                            I've just heard that the father of one of my daughter's friends took his life this morning, this is something no 15 year old should have to go through.
                            A friend of mine had a similar experience at a similar age. It marked her deeply. No one around that 15 year old should underestimate the amount of support they'll need.

                            Those of us from so called "broken homes" can only begin to imagine a shadow of the abandonment and guilt felt by those whose parents commit suicide.

                            How tragic to reach a point when you imagine it would be better for your child to live in a world without you.
                            "We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven into an age of unreason if we dig deep into our history and remember we are not descended from fearful men" Edward R Murrow

                            "Little by little, we have been brought into the present condition in which we are able neither to tolerate the evils from which we suffer, nor the remedies we need to cure them." - Livy

                            "I think that progress has been made by two flames that have always been burning in the human heart. The flame of anger against injustice and the flame of hope that you can build a better world" - Tony Benn


                              depression sucks. you can over come it to a certain extent but its always gonna be there. I have battled depression for number of years and i guess the defining hope is that there are bad days but there are also the good days too. Its important to remember that there will always be the good days and through hard work, things can get better


                                Fantastic blog by Conor Cusack, brother of Donal Og, currently being spreasd on Twitter:

                                I still remember the moment well. It was a wet, cold, grey Friday morning. I rose out of bed having had no sleep the night before. Panic attacks are horrific experiences by day, by night they are even worse. As I drove to work on my trusted Honda 50, a group of my friends passed in their car heading to college. They all smiled and waved and looked so happy. I smiled and waved and acted happy. I had loved and excelled in school but it was the same with my hurling, it was the same with my friends, it was the same with my family, it was the same with the people of Cloyne, it was the same with life, I had lost interest in all of them. Losing interest in people was the worst. Where once I would have felt sadness at seeing my friends heading to where I had always wanted to go, I now didn’t. Something much larger, deeper, darker had taken hold of my mind and sadness, despair, hopelessness were not strong enough to survive alongside what I was feeling.

                                The rest of the blog is at
                                "Everything good about Ireland can be found in County Cork"....Lonely Planet Guide 2012